The music that seems to echo the feelings inside me today tends toward 90's alternative/ grunge. I don't know why, exactly, this is today's soundtrack, but it is. I'm feeling the likes of Soundgarden, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Counting Crows, Sublime, Nirvana, Matchbox Twenty, and Vertical Horizon. It is like there is a desperation in my soul for something more, something bigger, something deeper. Go figure.
I mean, really. Who expects music that has little to no relation to a Christian faith to suit the mood of a greater pursuit of God? Most people would label this music as bordering on/ fully engaged in a mood of depression and endings. But I find a raw desperation that tugs at the very edges of my soul, drawing me to a point of openness that most other music will never reach.
This is a struggle for me. I'm told that it is Christian music, especially worship music that should draw me in closer to God. That it is Christian music that should suit this mood, any mood, every mood. But there are days like this when the songs we sing in church and the hymns that I was raised with just don't feel right. They just don't seem to convey the longing that I feel. I know that I want more of God, and that I should use the time tested methods to find the next step that I am seeking.
Right now, as I stand at the edge looking over into the fog obscuring everything beyond my toes, I know that God is preparing me to jump. I pray that it will be more like hopping from one stone to the next to cross the river safely. However, I feel like it is going to be a jump where all I can do is pray that my feet end up underneath me when I land, if I land at all.