Monday, May 21, 2012
Feeling Miserable
Right now, I'm sitting here feeling miserable. My body is exhausted, my mind won't slow down to let me sleep. I want to cut, just to change the feelings I have. My whole body hurts already. I feel like if I could just go score something to make me feel less numb, I would feel better. It seems like I need something to make me sleep at night and something else to make me feel awake. Don't worry, I don't have a death wish today. I just want to feel something beyond the cycle of numb, pain, and hurt. I want to find out what happy is like again. I know that to go back and start using again will destroy me, but sometimes the physical cravings are still so strong. The cravings only seem to get worse when the emotional is messed up as well. I just needed to tell someone what is going on in my head and my body right now.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Forgiving the Unforgivable Part 2
At what point do you decide that it is too difficult, too painful, too something to forgive someone for what they have done? Do you feel like something has reached the point of unforgivable when you have forgiven it over and over, and yet it continues to happen? I know that in my life there is.
There is someone in my life who feels that it is his right to hurt me. (I don't feel that it is wise to reveal publicly who this is at this point in time.) I have struggled with large memory gaps for years, and now slowly the space is being filled in. These spaces are revealing many abuses throughout my younger years that I am wrestling with being able to forgive him for. I was recently in a position where I was alone with him, and after praying for a peaceful visit, I was subjected to mental and emotional abuse, and was nearly subjected to physical abuse (someone else entered the room at that time.) There were many accusations made, all of them unfounded, but made nonetheless. I was made to feel like the worst person on the planet because I was a failure and would never be able to live up to any expectations at all, save for the expectation of ultimate failure.
Now, I am left to reconcile that the past is not a figment of my imagination and that it did actually happen. I'm finding that I need to forgive things that have happened between this person and I, things that if I were to tell them that I forgive them would only bring more harm to myself. When I first began remembering, I became angry. I am finding that this is no longer the case. I'm not angry anymore, but feel pity for the person.
I know that for me, the hardest part in all of this is not forgiving the past, because that has had some space to not be as all-consuming, but to forgive what is most recent. What occurred recently is much more difficult for me to forgive, because I know that I am not the same person that I was when the abuse initially began. I feel as though I am stronger, wiser, and more experienced in my life than I was then. When I found myself in the situation, however, I feel as though I reverted back to my scared, twelve year old self.
Regardless of how difficult it will be to forgive him for hurting me again, I know that it is what God wants me to do. I know that by holding on to the hurt, bitterness, and resentment, I will effectively find myself distanced from God instead of drawing closer to Him and allowing Him to stand up for me. Forgiving does not mean that I have to reach out to this man, to put myself in a position where I am forced to rehash the incident with him and find myself injured once again. It does mean that I need to let go and let God hold on to the situation. I need to realize that I am a child of God and that I am exactly who He created me to be, not a piece of trash that God meant to throw away and forgot about.
There is someone in my life who feels that it is his right to hurt me. (I don't feel that it is wise to reveal publicly who this is at this point in time.) I have struggled with large memory gaps for years, and now slowly the space is being filled in. These spaces are revealing many abuses throughout my younger years that I am wrestling with being able to forgive him for. I was recently in a position where I was alone with him, and after praying for a peaceful visit, I was subjected to mental and emotional abuse, and was nearly subjected to physical abuse (someone else entered the room at that time.) There were many accusations made, all of them unfounded, but made nonetheless. I was made to feel like the worst person on the planet because I was a failure and would never be able to live up to any expectations at all, save for the expectation of ultimate failure.
Now, I am left to reconcile that the past is not a figment of my imagination and that it did actually happen. I'm finding that I need to forgive things that have happened between this person and I, things that if I were to tell them that I forgive them would only bring more harm to myself. When I first began remembering, I became angry. I am finding that this is no longer the case. I'm not angry anymore, but feel pity for the person.
I know that for me, the hardest part in all of this is not forgiving the past, because that has had some space to not be as all-consuming, but to forgive what is most recent. What occurred recently is much more difficult for me to forgive, because I know that I am not the same person that I was when the abuse initially began. I feel as though I am stronger, wiser, and more experienced in my life than I was then. When I found myself in the situation, however, I feel as though I reverted back to my scared, twelve year old self.
Regardless of how difficult it will be to forgive him for hurting me again, I know that it is what God wants me to do. I know that by holding on to the hurt, bitterness, and resentment, I will effectively find myself distanced from God instead of drawing closer to Him and allowing Him to stand up for me. Forgiving does not mean that I have to reach out to this man, to put myself in a position where I am forced to rehash the incident with him and find myself injured once again. It does mean that I need to let go and let God hold on to the situation. I need to realize that I am a child of God and that I am exactly who He created me to be, not a piece of trash that God meant to throw away and forgot about.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Forgiving the Unforgivable Part 1
Have you ever had to deal with painful memories that were long forgotten, but that came rushing to the surface with all of the pain that has been there since the beginning? Were you able to see it in a new light, or was there so much pain and grief that there was nothing else to be felt? Was it something that you did to someone else, or was it something that was done to you? No matter what happened, it hurts. There is no way to make it hurt less on your own. There is only one who can heal the pain, loss, grief, etc. that you are feeling. God is the only one who can give the healing that you are desperately in need of.
2 Corinthians 2:5-11.
5 If anyone has caused pain, he has caused pain not so much to me but to some degree—not to exaggerate—to all of you. 6 The punishment inflicted by the majority is sufficient for that person. 7 As a result, you should instead forgive and comfort him. Otherwise, this one may be overwhelmed by excessive grief. 8 Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. 9 I wrote for this purpose: to test your character to see if you are obedient in everything. 10 If you forgive anyone, I do too. For what I have forgiven—if I have forgiven anything—it is for you in the presence of Christ. 11 I have done this so that we may not be taken advantage of by Satan. For we are not ignorant of his schemes.
You can forgive someone without telling them, especially if telling them would only enable them to continue harming you. To "forgive and forget" before they are truly sorry is only setting yourself up and enabling them to continue harming you. You can love and pray for them from a distance. When it is a dangerous situation for you to be near them, it is very possible that God has others already planned to make the impact for Him on them that you desire to see. It is never wise to deliberately put yourself in an unhealthy situation.
2 Corinthians 2:5-11.
5 If anyone has caused pain, he has caused pain not so much to me but to some degree—not to exaggerate—to all of you. 6 The punishment inflicted by the majority is sufficient for that person. 7 As a result, you should instead forgive and comfort him. Otherwise, this one may be overwhelmed by excessive grief. 8 Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. 9 I wrote for this purpose: to test your character to see if you are obedient in everything. 10 If you forgive anyone, I do too. For what I have forgiven—if I have forgiven anything—it is for you in the presence of Christ. 11 I have done this so that we may not be taken advantage of by Satan. For we are not ignorant of his schemes.
You can forgive someone without telling them, especially if telling them would only enable them to continue harming you. To "forgive and forget" before they are truly sorry is only setting yourself up and enabling them to continue harming you. You can love and pray for them from a distance. When it is a dangerous situation for you to be near them, it is very possible that God has others already planned to make the impact for Him on them that you desire to see. It is never wise to deliberately put yourself in an unhealthy situation.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Emptiness and Tears
Sitting here, feet propped up on the desktop, I'm thinking... (yeah, this is a dangerous thing!)about things. Lots of things. Some make me want to cry, others simply leave an empty feeling inside. So many feelings of abandonment and worthlessness, there is so much hurt.
I've been told to let God have it all. It sounds so easy, right? Well, it isn't. Not in my case. There is so much that I don't even know where to begin.
In the last year, I've gone through two sponsors. I had one for about a year and a half... mostly because that was what I was told to do - get a sponsor. She wasn't there when I needed her most, but I was pretty dang flaky too. I found a new sponsor a few months ago. She was committed it seemed, but she went on vacation two weeks later. When I finally heard from her, it was to find out that everything was changing. It took another week before I found out that she had resigned as my sponsor. That hurt a lot. It made me feel incredibly rejected, abandoned, and worthless.
So, my recovery group is in chaos. They are in the process of introducing a new leader. I'm not sure about him, because his changes came before he ever arrived. He is part of the reason that I lost my second sponsor. He wanted everyone who wasn't trained to sponsor someone to step down. He ended our focused step study, which some of us really needed. A lot of the girls who had been there for quite a while have left, because the changes are hurting them too. We have all reached the point where we are ready to work through our spiritual inventories with our sponsors, and they have left us. It sounds like they might have good things coming, what with more leader training time and a full worship band, but I think for me it is too little too late.
A little over a week ago was the first anniversary of my uncle's suicide. That was really hard for me, because I haven't seen my family at all since we left after the funeral. I spent years trying to avoid going home to see my family, now I'd give just about anything to see them again. There are so many milestones that I've missed, so many that I'm going to miss. I love them so much, even though our relationship is rocky at best it seems. I wish it was possible to show them all of the love I have for them. I wish they could see God in my life, and how much He means to me. I wish I could show them the ministry I'm in, wish I could make them see why it is so important.
I know that my husband and his family have my best interests at heart. But I don't think they realize how much they hurt me sometimes by trying to protect me. I've realized that it doesn't matter if I'm invited to do something with the girls and can't afford to go, or if I'm excluded from being a part of things because I'm not one of the sisters, it hurts to not be a part of things. We were cooking the other day and needed a bottle of wine opened. I grabbed the corkscrew and started to open it, and was told to stop, not because I'm incapable of using a corkscrew or because I don't know how to open a bottle of wine; It was because I have a history of alcohol abuse. It doesn't bother me to open a bottle to cook with, to me it isn't a big deal. But it seems like it was a heinous crime to let me open a bottle that we obviously needed opened. Honestly, if I'm going to drink, I'm going to find a way, whether it is acceptable or not. (Not saying I'm going to go out and start drinking again, but it feels like everyone thinks I am.)
Broken promises. The one thing that cuts me deeper than anything else ever could. Because a promise is a commitment. It isn't right or fair (I know life isn't always fair.) to back out of a commitment just because you don't feel like honoring it. I've made a point to do my absolute best to follow through at all times on all of my commitments. I hold myself to that standard. Is it wrong to hold others to that standard? Is it wrong to expect others to follow through? When you promise me something, I trust that you will follow through. If you aren't sure that you will be able to follow through, let me know before you promise something. I'll tell you not to promise it.
I have a passion for teaching high school students. I know it's not what I planned to do with my life, far from it. I love it anyway. I wouldn't love it this much if it wasn't part of God's plan for my life. But it is. He has made it abundantly clear to me that it is to be a part of my life for a long time to come. It really hurts when you tell me that I need to give up God's calling in my life for a job that just provides income. I know that I need the money, but I also know that after teaching this far into the year, I'm not going to quit just a month before the end of the school year. I know that I'll need to work this summer. I was never confused about that part. Teaching is an act of service to God. These kids have been given up on and written off so many times that they often don't trust those who are tasked with ensuring their health and well being.
Ministry. I <3 ministry. I know that it is where my life is headed. Teaching is a part of my day to day ministry, but I know that there is to be more. I know that my life's purpose is ministry. It is the one thing I told God that above all else, I was not going to do. I'm starting to see what I think my ministry is going to look like in its' complete form, but I'm still learning. I know I don't know it all. That is why I spend so much time looking up in awe at the strong Christian women that I want to be like. Thank you to all of those wonderful women who are there when I need someone to call, to listen while I cry, to tell me that things are going to be ok, that they've been there before and are living proof that I'll make it through too.
I've been told to let God have it all. It sounds so easy, right? Well, it isn't. Not in my case. There is so much that I don't even know where to begin.
In the last year, I've gone through two sponsors. I had one for about a year and a half... mostly because that was what I was told to do - get a sponsor. She wasn't there when I needed her most, but I was pretty dang flaky too. I found a new sponsor a few months ago. She was committed it seemed, but she went on vacation two weeks later. When I finally heard from her, it was to find out that everything was changing. It took another week before I found out that she had resigned as my sponsor. That hurt a lot. It made me feel incredibly rejected, abandoned, and worthless.
So, my recovery group is in chaos. They are in the process of introducing a new leader. I'm not sure about him, because his changes came before he ever arrived. He is part of the reason that I lost my second sponsor. He wanted everyone who wasn't trained to sponsor someone to step down. He ended our focused step study, which some of us really needed. A lot of the girls who had been there for quite a while have left, because the changes are hurting them too. We have all reached the point where we are ready to work through our spiritual inventories with our sponsors, and they have left us. It sounds like they might have good things coming, what with more leader training time and a full worship band, but I think for me it is too little too late.
A little over a week ago was the first anniversary of my uncle's suicide. That was really hard for me, because I haven't seen my family at all since we left after the funeral. I spent years trying to avoid going home to see my family, now I'd give just about anything to see them again. There are so many milestones that I've missed, so many that I'm going to miss. I love them so much, even though our relationship is rocky at best it seems. I wish it was possible to show them all of the love I have for them. I wish they could see God in my life, and how much He means to me. I wish I could show them the ministry I'm in, wish I could make them see why it is so important.
I know that my husband and his family have my best interests at heart. But I don't think they realize how much they hurt me sometimes by trying to protect me. I've realized that it doesn't matter if I'm invited to do something with the girls and can't afford to go, or if I'm excluded from being a part of things because I'm not one of the sisters, it hurts to not be a part of things. We were cooking the other day and needed a bottle of wine opened. I grabbed the corkscrew and started to open it, and was told to stop, not because I'm incapable of using a corkscrew or because I don't know how to open a bottle of wine; It was because I have a history of alcohol abuse. It doesn't bother me to open a bottle to cook with, to me it isn't a big deal. But it seems like it was a heinous crime to let me open a bottle that we obviously needed opened. Honestly, if I'm going to drink, I'm going to find a way, whether it is acceptable or not. (Not saying I'm going to go out and start drinking again, but it feels like everyone thinks I am.)
Broken promises. The one thing that cuts me deeper than anything else ever could. Because a promise is a commitment. It isn't right or fair (I know life isn't always fair.) to back out of a commitment just because you don't feel like honoring it. I've made a point to do my absolute best to follow through at all times on all of my commitments. I hold myself to that standard. Is it wrong to hold others to that standard? Is it wrong to expect others to follow through? When you promise me something, I trust that you will follow through. If you aren't sure that you will be able to follow through, let me know before you promise something. I'll tell you not to promise it.
I have a passion for teaching high school students. I know it's not what I planned to do with my life, far from it. I love it anyway. I wouldn't love it this much if it wasn't part of God's plan for my life. But it is. He has made it abundantly clear to me that it is to be a part of my life for a long time to come. It really hurts when you tell me that I need to give up God's calling in my life for a job that just provides income. I know that I need the money, but I also know that after teaching this far into the year, I'm not going to quit just a month before the end of the school year. I know that I'll need to work this summer. I was never confused about that part. Teaching is an act of service to God. These kids have been given up on and written off so many times that they often don't trust those who are tasked with ensuring their health and well being.
Ministry. I <3 ministry. I know that it is where my life is headed. Teaching is a part of my day to day ministry, but I know that there is to be more. I know that my life's purpose is ministry. It is the one thing I told God that above all else, I was not going to do. I'm starting to see what I think my ministry is going to look like in its' complete form, but I'm still learning. I know I don't know it all. That is why I spend so much time looking up in awe at the strong Christian women that I want to be like. Thank you to all of those wonderful women who are there when I need someone to call, to listen while I cry, to tell me that things are going to be ok, that they've been there before and are living proof that I'll make it through too.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
40(ish) Days of Devotion: Day 46
As I sit here looking back at the past several weeks of Lent, I realize that I have failed miserably at keeping up with the daily logs. I'm sorry for that, both to those who were hoping to read this blog to follow my journey and to God, because I failed to keep my promise to Him. There have been many days where I have done what I intended to do, with the act of giving something up. I have also tried adding spiritual disciplines.
Today, I look at the Passover Seder which we have just completed, and see how much God has done for me. To quote many who have come before, "Dayenu. It would have been enough." It would have been enough so many times over, that there is no way I can even begin to count. I know that I am richly blessed to have family and friends to surround me when things become difficult.
Today was also my sister's bridal shower. I wasn't able to go, due to the distance and the celebration of Passover. In a couple of weeks, my sister's baby shower is the exact same day as our school fundraiser, which means I again cannot be with my family. My sister is due at the beginning of May, and likely I will not be there to see my newest niece, Kaitlyn Marie. Her wedding is scheduled for May 12th, and I hope to be there, as I haven't seen any of my family since my uncle's funeral over a year ago. I never knew how hard it would be to be away from my family for so long. I always wanted to get away, to make my own path. But it seems that the more I try, the more the longing to be close with the family I was born into grows. I know that I have so much love in my life, from my husband and my in-laws, and that is wonderful, but sometimes, I just want to be with my family.
I realize that there are many around me who love me, and yet I still feel so abandoned. In my recovery process, the last six months have left me with two sponsors who have abandoned me, a focused study on the steps that has been dissolved, and a recovery group in the process of annihilation. This has left me feeling like I'm too far gone to be worth trying to help. I know that I have a lot of trust issues, and I am trying to work on them, but when those who I have trusted most hurt me, it only pushes the pain to greater heights.
Today, I look at the Passover Seder which we have just completed, and see how much God has done for me. To quote many who have come before, "Dayenu. It would have been enough." It would have been enough so many times over, that there is no way I can even begin to count. I know that I am richly blessed to have family and friends to surround me when things become difficult.
Today was also my sister's bridal shower. I wasn't able to go, due to the distance and the celebration of Passover. In a couple of weeks, my sister's baby shower is the exact same day as our school fundraiser, which means I again cannot be with my family. My sister is due at the beginning of May, and likely I will not be there to see my newest niece, Kaitlyn Marie. Her wedding is scheduled for May 12th, and I hope to be there, as I haven't seen any of my family since my uncle's funeral over a year ago. I never knew how hard it would be to be away from my family for so long. I always wanted to get away, to make my own path. But it seems that the more I try, the more the longing to be close with the family I was born into grows. I know that I have so much love in my life, from my husband and my in-laws, and that is wonderful, but sometimes, I just want to be with my family.
I realize that there are many around me who love me, and yet I still feel so abandoned. In my recovery process, the last six months have left me with two sponsors who have abandoned me, a focused study on the steps that has been dissolved, and a recovery group in the process of annihilation. This has left me feeling like I'm too far gone to be worth trying to help. I know that I have a lot of trust issues, and I am trying to work on them, but when those who I have trusted most hurt me, it only pushes the pain to greater heights.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
40(ish) Days of Devotion: Day 25
Have you ever thought that something would instantly turn you into a green-eyed monster? Has this situation ever then occurred in your life? Today, it did for me. I found out that my little sister is expecting. Not just expecting, but due in less than two months. Her doctor made a serious mistake and has spent the last seven months misdiagnosing her and keeping her on medication that could have harmed this little girl.
I spent a lot of time believing that I would be the first one to become a mom, just like I've done almost everything first. I was certain that she wouldn't have a baby before she was married, but she might. Her due date is May 5th and her wedding date is May 12th.
I spent a lot of time believing that I would be the first one to become a mom, just like I've done almost everything first. I was certain that she wouldn't have a baby before she was married, but she might. Her due date is May 5th and her wedding date is May 12th.
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